An inspiring night

I went to a Stake Relief Society activity last night.  I knew I should go, part of me wanted to go, but at the same time I knew I wasn't in the best state of mind to get out of it what I should.  I have been struggling with how to stand for what I know is right even if I can't explain it and not feel stupid that I can't explain it better.  I hate that feeling.  I want to say that I KNOW that marriage between only a man and a woman is right and abortion is wrong.  It's not such a hard thing to say.  But I never know how to answer the question of why condemn someone else for not believing the way you do.  Their arguments make so much sense as they say them yet in those same moments in my heart I KNOW they are wrong, even if I can't say why with anything else other than a religious knowledge from my Heavenly Father.  It makes me sad that that's not okay enough of a reason.  I know it is, but I just don't know what to say when they want/expect more of an answer.  I don't feel like I'm being told in any way through the church who to vote for, yet I feel like many around me need to vocally express why I should or shouldn't vote a certain way just because someone is or isn't of a certain religion.  I hate the animosity I feel when people talk of politics.  I don't want to be that person who hates the way things are but sits by and watches them happen but does nothing about it but yet I don't know how to do something about it without filling my life with negativity. 

My other struggle lately I talked about some in my last post.  Knowing I am supposed to walk away from soccer, but knowing I love it and having a really hard time walking away.  And trying to figure out how to fill that part of my life in the way I should.  I want this to be the good thing it's supposed to be. 

Then throw in the multitude of health issues that have recently plagued our house.  Lumpectomy, pre-cancerous pollups in my colon, pneumonia, kids who need braces and scoliosis to name a few.  Pretty much over pneumonia which is good.  That kicked my behind.  Just starting the scoliosis stuff with Rachel and a bit overwhelmed at doing this right.  Feel good about knowing my colon is cancer free for the next five years.  Lumpectomy came back benign.  Very happy about that.  BRCA came back negative also.  Very grateful for that!  It means it's one bad thing I am happily NOT passing on to my children.  But also feel very strongly that I should still proceed with a dual mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  But that is VERY expensive for something that is now considered elective.  How do I make my family and everything sacrifice things they want/need for a surgery that I'm told medically I don't need yet I feel so strongly that I do need to have done in the next two years?    Throw in with that that Harrison REALLY needs braces to fix his bite.  But I can't afford those let alone a VERY expensive surgery.  But how do I ignore the promptings that I NEED to do this? 

While all of this is going on I'm doing my calling which I mostly enjoy in cub scouts and am terrified of getting one that will stretch me further.  I really don't feel up to that right now.  John's calling keeps us plenty stretched with him in the bishopric if you ask me.   John is also in the process of interviewing for a new job at his current work place.  We feel so good about it.  It will be a lot more work for a while but will be so great career wise and actually get into stuff he is actually interested in.  But I worry for him.  What if he doesn't get it?  What if he does get it?  What will it all mean?  Can I support or comfort depending on what the answer is?  Can I wait more time...it's taken weeks of this process of deciding if he should get a job that he was asked to apply for.  Moving into a new position if it doesn't work out could mean loosing the job security that he has with his very stable job.  But his very stable job is not "moving" him in his career like it is supposed to.  Is staying longer at what he's doing just for temporary security putting us at risk longer term? 

All this has been crashing around in my brain the last month or so.  Actually some of it since December but really seriously crashing around for the last month.  I keep looking for answers and I think finally I got them last night.  But not the answers I was looking for.

The first class I attended was on attending the temple more regularly.  It's something I know I need to do more, but for some reason as I sat in the class my attitude was not what it should have been.  I sat there listening to how their kids behaved better and life was all more perfect each time they attended the temple.  Those comments are hard for me sometimes, especially when I'm not spiritually where I should be.  Mostly because that's not what happens for me.  My kids are still kids, they still cause me stress, I still yell or make mistakes in rearing them, my house isn't cleaner when I get home, etc, etc. 



But as I sat there and listened to the talk I knew that I was SUPPOSED to be in that class.  It was for me individually.  It was about Trusting in the Lord.  By getting to know our Heavenly Father we can trust him more.  By trusting in him it's easier to accept his will in your life instead of fighting against it.  By accepting what he has in plan we can have hope and faith as we do things and be guided for those things that we likely choose when we came to earth.  The teacher was a fun lady who was so down to earth talking about how she had spent 48 years preparing for this one lesson as she is one of those who fights against what she is being given.    She is single, never been married, worked a job for 14 years before being let go last year.  She found love not to long ago and it didn't work out.  It broke her heart...again.  She said she spent most of her life wondering if she did something wrong or was too busy doing something she shouldn't have and that is why she was still single and wasn't going to have children in this life.  But then one day as she was finding a greater relationship with not just Jesus Christ but with her Heavenly Father she was given a thought/dream/inspiration, whatever you want to call it.  It let her know that when she was in heaven before she came she was told she would never marry and never have kids, but she would serve a mission, have family who loved her, raise others children, etc, that basically she would never be without family and love.  She accepted that and came to earth.  The thing that brought to her was not an actual knowledge that that is really what happened for her.  To her it was enough to know that the Lord knew her concern and wanted to let her know that she hadn't done something wrong to have those blessings not given to her.  Another tougher path was laid out for her from the beginning and she accepted it then.  So what she needed to do now, was to accept it now and trust in her Heavenly Father.  She didn't need to know why she almost found love and didn't.  She didn't need to know why she had to loose her job.  She just needed to learn to accept and trust that it was what was best for her. 

That was my answer.  I don't have to know why I need to walk away from soccer.  I don't have to know what my husband future career path will be.  I don't have to know why I need to have a surgery I can't afford.  I don't have to be able to explain why I know something, it's okay to just know something without knowing why.  I can give my kids what they need.  And in doing all of that I found a great answer was given to me in the first class I attended.  I am supposed to be at the temple more.  I am supposed to fill my time creating a better relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I can do those things without all the whys.  I can have peace, acceptance, trust in the Lord and live in a positive manner not consumed with worry.  I have the strength within me to do that.  I was promised that in my heart last night.  So this is my commitment to myself, that I will try to attend the temple weekly like I should.  It means I would be jumping head first into anything else right now, and will be putting my go to the gym 5 days a week goal on hold, I will try to eat out less to afford the gas to go and I will start to save up for braces for Harrison and a surgery for me even if it takes long than the next couple years to come up with the 15,000 I need to come up with.  I won't.  I will be ready to answer the Lord's call to do those things that I should be doing now and in the future.