midnight ramblings...part 2

So many of these thoughts have all been coming and going every night.  So after another long week I thought I would try to get a few more of them out.  Ironically it's not the thoughts/post I keep rewriting in my head.  My head is now filled with newer stuff that needs to be put on paper so I will eventually write that "other post I keep trying to write". 

Today for some reason I felt like it was full of constant reminders of my losses in life.  I hate to feel "wo is me".  I know how incredibly blessed I am.  I am grateful beyond words for those things.  But some days it just seems to be a lot coming at me at once.  Today was one of those days...but not in a bad way necessarily.  Just constant reminders.  I know this probably doesn't make sense.  But for some reason this last year my children who have passed on have been closer to my mind and heart than other years. 

I will start with a few of my thoughts/experiences from today.  During a talk in sacrament the speaker spoke of a family who had a child die in birth and the twin just a few days later.  I started to tear up.  It just hurts my heart to hear of those who lose a child.  But the reason that moment meant so much to me.  Was before I could really start tearing up too much my wonderful husband who happened to be sitting by me in church...with four kids and his calling that is a miracle on its own.  But he leaned over and grabbed and squeezed my hand.  It was such a simple act.  Something that took nothing.  But it was in that moment that I felt so incredibly loved.  By him and by my Heavenly Father to bless with me with a husband who is aware of those things that I struggle with. 

During Sunday School during the lesson the teacher spoke about their struggles with infertility.  His incredible wife and her longing for another child.  I was sitting by myself in the back when he started to speak about it.  It was just too much.  I had to step out of the room.  It was such a simple thing.  But I felt her pain.  There is no other way to describe the way I felt.  It wasn't necessarily the pain of my losses but a pain for her.  My husband was just returning from extending a call and noticed me in the hall.  When I explained why I was there he didn't make fun of me, he just told me he loved me.  That was all I needed to go back in and face whatever came next. 

I struggle at times with my grief, is it too much, has it gone on too long etc.  I don't long for another child.  I know without a doubt we are done.  I am totally at peace with that. So I have struggled why this year my heart has been so much closer to my lost babies.  I don't know that I have all the answers.  But the third experience today was a post written by a lady who I have gotten to know through a support group.  She said, ".... I think I just needed a good cry. It's been a while. I think I need it from time to time as sort of a reality check that yes,... I had a daughter that died that I think about her and miss her every day of my life, and that yes, it is a terrible burden to have to carry. I've learned to live with those facts. I think living each day with a smile on my face, yet with Sophina's loss in the back of my mind accumulates over time and has to come out once it reaches a certain boiling point. That point of overflow seems to come at greater and greater intervals as time goes on, but it is an inevitability I have had to get used to. To some degree I am grateful that she still affects me this way. I am glad that I still feel a sense of loss. It makes me feel like she is still mine and that the loss that is so real now, will one day be eradicated when I hold her again in my arms, warm and breathing and beautiful. I hope I can make it till then."

That was my moment when I realized that was what I was supposed to remember at least today.  That it's okay to cry and grieve and feel loss.  It's normal.  I am able to go about my every day.  I am a happy person with some trials like everyone else.  I do see my blessing and work to count them.  I'm not perfect but I'm trying and with God that is enough.  And it's also okay to remember my babies that I've lost.  It's okay that most people won't remember them, I will and God does and my husband is there through it all.  That's all I need today to get up and face the world tomorrow a little less consumed.