midnight ramblings...part 1

Okay, so I have written this post like 100 times in my head as I lay down to try to sleep but then never get it out on here.  Every time I write it in my head it's a little bit different.  I won't end up writing a lot of what I'm thinking and feeling.  But all this is just for my journal sake.  To remember the lessons I learned this month.  The lesson came from several different places all put together.  It's a combination of experiences.  I was asked to be active in an online support group for women who have lost a child through miscarriage, still birth or at a young age.  Sometimes it's difficult.  Mostly it just continues to heal me.  A couple different things happened through that group.  I put the first down as well as I could now then so I will just copy my thoughts from that day.

I was reminded this weekend of how much my husband loves and tries to protect me, yet how much even after all this time he still doesn't have a clue what I've gone through. We have a sister in our ward who just went through a miscarriage about a month ago and is not doing well. She is in the anger and guilt stages. She can't seem to handle to do all the things she has normally been able to do.  She was complaining to me about it all. He got so angry that she would complain to me. He said, "Have her come to you when she has some more perspective, when she has lost so many children she can't count them on both hands, ...then she can complain to you. She has no clue the hell you've been through. I just can't deal with it when people do that to you." It took me back. I wasn't sure honestly what to say. I had to stop for a bit before I said anything back to him. First I had to realize it was for the love he has for me and the hurt and anguish he knows I've suffered that he felt so wronged in my behalf. But that isn't the way I felt towards her. (I also want to add his and my conversation took place in a location where she was not anywhere around, he did not say any of this to her). Anyway, all his arguments of she needs to get lost in service of others, to find perspective, to turn more to God, to learn to use the atonement in her life was all correct. It is all those things that helped me to overcome my grief. But, it also took time, and loving sisters who didn't judge me. Who accepted me for my shortcomings. Who understood that I wasn't "there" yet and may never be "there" and that was okay. As I was explaining this to him, I was overcome with a feeling of love from Christ. He knew how hard it was for her, just as he knew how hard it was for me. He didn't try to judge which of us was more deserving of his atonement so why should my husband or I. I am so grateful to be 8 years out from my final loss. I am so grateful to know that though I will always love my children I've lost there are others who will always love me and those children to. I know this is long, I've just been overwhelmed by these thoughts. I hope they make sense. I've learned it's not our place to judge others grief, it's our place to love them through it.

The second thing through that group ties to it but goes a different direction.  A couple girls from the group are really struggling with their faith in prayer and the Lord.  All the, I prayed to be healthy and have a healthy baby and yet didn't get it so what is the point.  It's a tough thing to hear someone at that stage.  You want so badly to tell them they need to trust the Lord, yet I still remember those feelings.  They may have been fleeting for me, but they crossed my mind at different points.  As I struggled with what to say to these sisters, I realized my own questions about why me with these breast tumors, why my step mom with ovarian cancer and all my struggles with what to feel about those...well the answer for these sisters was the same answer for me.  The Lord sees a much bigger picture than I ever will.  He knows more.  He will not give me more than I can handle with him, I just have to lean more on him.  Trust him more through those times.  I also need to focus on how many blessings I do have, to stop and look for all the many tender mercies the Lord gives me through those terrible and scary things to see that he loves me and is there trying to help me while I try to help myself.  It gave me a great sense of peace to know that the more faith I show in the Lord the more he will carry me and help me when it seems too much to bear.  Good things happen to bad people as well as good people and bad things happen to good people as well as bad people.  When I stopped focusing on what I did or didn't do to deserve this, stopped focusing even on "what I need to learn" from this trial, and start looking for the good around me and the ways to live more like Christ, all of the it just falls into place better for me.  The moments that are tough become fewer and further between.  I am grateful that the Lord isn't done teaching me.  I am grateful that I have learned to hold onto my faith in him even through the trials of life.

I'm actually going to end this post of ramblings, not that I don't have a bunch more that all ties into the same lessons, and not that I don't want to get them down, but that it just seems a good stopping point for tonight.  I do want to copy and paste one last thing in this post to have a better record of.  I have been going through trying to find better more accurate dates on my miscarriages and such.  I'm sure some are still slightly off, but at the time I was going through these it was just too hard to keep "good records" of them.  But now I do feel it is something that we should have a record of so though it might not be perfect it is as accurate as I can get right now.  So this is just for my record.

Feb 1993 still born Kevin Michael,  May 1996 miscarriage, Oct 1996 miscarriage, Jan 1997 miscarriage,  July 1998 miscarriage, Dec 1998 miscarriage, Feb 1999 miscarriage,  March 2000 miscarriage, May 2000 miscarriage,  December 2000 still born Colby Scott, March 2001 m/c,  November 2001 daughter died in utero at 6 months but carried her "still" until successful birth of her twin,  May 2002 m/c June 2002 m/c, Aug 2002 tubal pregnancy, Nov 2002 m/c Jan 2003 m/c, March 2004 tubal pregnancy, October 2004 Emma Jane still born,  Dec 2004 miscarried one twin, carried other son, his twin Samuel Lynn until he born still Feb 2005,  March 2007 twin girl passed away, carried her "still" until successful birth of her sister.