Hopping on a roller coaster ride again

Sometimes I think to myself, why are you on this roller coaster ride again?  Why so soon?  Don't you know better to avoid such things.  Then I remind myself, I have no control over this.  I have control over how I react to the roller coaster but not at all to being on the ride.  I don't get to choose when I get to the front of the line.  Just before you know it you are there and you are facing the big scary uphill climb that freaks you out every time.  But, you also know that there will be many incredible experiences you wouldn't have if you didn't accept the ride.  And in the end, you will get back off the ride and unfortunately get back in line again.  And then pray like the dickens that it's a really long line before you actually climb on the car again.  That's the way I feel about real roller coasters, I can't help but be in the line cause as freaking scary as parts of the ride are the rush of incredibleness (sure it's a word, I just made it that way) is worth standing in line and doing it again.

Now, as many of you know, this is supposed to be some sort of metaphor.  It may not be the best one but it fits the way I feel right now.  I won't go into all the details as some of them aren't so much fun.  But a few weeks ago I had some pain in my breast and found three huge lumps.  So finding those lumps put me back on that ride.  That scary freaky ride of is it something or is it nothing.  Well, this go around dr's are treating things different.  I keep being told to prepare for a malignant result this time.  But my body doesn't do anything normal.  So should I prepare for cancer or just know it will likely turn out to be nothing but a scary up and down ride as we go through surgeries and such to determine.  What do I even want at this point?  No, I don't want cancer.  I just don't know how many more times I want to be on this ride.  I want to afford a surgery I can't afford to just remove them and end the pain and stress of it without the cancer.  Unfortunately I'm not rich so that option isn't there for me.  So I guess I'll be happy and sad no matter what they tell me.

I have met with surgeons, my ob and had what is called an open biopsy.  There were some complications in that.  Taking samples while I wasn't numb....yeah, that hurt worse than I can describe!  And there are continuing complications of me not stopping bleeding even 2 days after the procedure.  They told me it could be 10-14 days that I ooze blood.  The fun of that is the dizziness and light headed ness that is a constant in my life right now. 

But, I have such incredible friends and family who support me.  I am not alone.  My boys watch crying movies with me.  It helps.  My boys watch laughing movies with me...it helps.  My boys take care of the house.  My friends help take care of Ellie.  My family takes care of Rachel.  My family supports me emotionally.  My ward family takes care of me in so many big and small ways.  Meals, treats, talking, blessings, prayers, fasting, movies, driving the kids where they need to go and so, so much more.  How can I feel anything but loved and blessed when you can call a woman you didn't know a year ago and ask her to buy you a couple sports bras and have them delivered to your door in a few hours? 

Then words can't describe how incredible my sweet husband is.  He is there to run to the store, sit at the dr office, listen to my cry and whine, give me strength, give me a blessing, help around the house, take care of kids....just do it all. 

So though I really don't want to be on this roller coaster right now....I love the support and love the Lord makes sure I'm shown.  He also helps me to see that though this isn't what I would choose.  It isn't fun or easy...it could be so so much worse.  And for those that are so much worse, my heart is with you.  Once we know results hopefully within the next 8 days I will post them on here.