It had already been on my mind a lot for weeks before the Relief Society General Broadcast. But that meeting was emotionally really tough for me. The final talk was given by President Eyring. He spoke about an amazing miracle that came to his family. His daughter was home and started bleeding. Her visiting teacher showed up without warning right when it happened and was able to rush her to the hospital. They were able to safely deliver the baby and save the mom. 16 weeks early a baby under two pounds was born and is alive and doing well. Her ward family was incredible in their support of her and the needs to be at the hospital so much. All this brought back all my old memories. I struggle with it as it brought back the feeling I really struggle with when it comes to all this. At times I struggle with hearing about these great stories of people who's babies were miraculously saved. It makes me struggle with my own emotions on why mine weren't. I know not every thing prayed for can happen. I know that God has a bigger picture than I see. But there are times when I just want to cry out, "Why can't I have that miracle?" I know that I have many miracles and overall I really have come to peace with it all. But at moments I long for those kinds of stories for me. So sometimes when I hear those stories it brings those thoughts back. I should if I was perfect just think. I'm so glad someone else doesn't have my heartache. And most of me really is. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this heartache too.
I have to say though General conference, though I bawled through many talks I was brought much peace along with it. I will have to go back and listen again to be able to tell you who gave each talk. But maybe it's just me and what I'm going through, but it seemed talking about pregnancy issues and surviving those times was talked about many times. I don't remember those things hardly mentioned over the years. Two talks that stand out to me the most are the one where he spoke about going through the death of his son. His son was less than a year old when he suffocated and died. It was a talk that spoke to my heart. I understood so much how he felt. His frustration and ill feelings at loving, caring friends who would tell him they understood how he felt. He would get past it etc. I know those feelings. I went through so many of those feelings. I loved the honesty of sharing those feelings though it shows the imperfect side of us. That just saying I believe in eternal families doesn't stop pain. It just gives hope through the pain. I really liked that message. I also, especially this weekend appreciated hearing him say that 22 years later he still was not completely "over the death of his son" He never will be until they are reunited. But his feelings about it are different than they were. For me, overall my feelings 8 years later are not as raw as they were. But they are still there. And some days/months they are so much harder and intense than others.
Another reason I think it's tougher this year is one of the hardest things for me on all my miscarriages and stillbirths is the loss of those big events. The loss of making those memories others get to make with their children. I feel cheated at times. And to be honest, forever is a long way away for my little mind to comprehend. Well, this year is one of those really big memories I don't get to have with my sweet daughter. For her there will only ever be one white dress. For a mom of girls, one tradition that I really wanted to do with my girls is give them their 3 white dresses that they can keep and have. I have a white blessing dress for both Rachel and Ellie. I have a whtie baptism dress for Rachel I will have a baptism dress for Ellie. Then hopefully I will have white wedding dress of their own for each of them. They will each have their three white dresses. That is one of those things I WANT! It's important to me.
Well, this year is a reminder of the dresses I don't get to have with my sweet Emma Jane. We should be in the midst of planning her baptism this month. Instead I'm mourning the loss of her all over again. I didn't get to get her a white blessing dress and listen to special words my husband says for her. This year I won't get to get a white baptism dress and watch my husband baptize her and confirm her a member of the church. And I'll never get to go out and buy her a white wedding dress.
Struggling with these feelings a talk today was about finding faith and doing what the Lord asked of our time when we aren't getting the answers we are looking for. The woman he talked about couldn't get pregnant. She did what the Lord asked of her and she was blessed. Just becuase she did what the Lord asked doesn't mean I will get those things I long for. It just doesn't always work that way. That was a VERY hard lesson I learned many years ago. But I am blessed even if it's not in what I long for. So it was a great reminder to ask the Lord what to do with my time. How to keep myself busy as I have more hours "free" this coming year as all my living kids will be in school, likely full day. I can trust him to define my life and though it won't bring my sweet babies back. It will ease my pain.
So this year my heart aches and tears flow constantly. If you see me and I cry, you don't have to pretend you don't see it. But you don't have to make a big deal. I am looking for friendship and not feeling alone as I mourne my baby girl. I will spend time with my memories while they are so raw right now. Maybe, that's what my sweet Emma wants. Maybe she longs for me and misses me right now and this is her way of focusing my life in the way she wants. I don't know. But I like to think that though the tears are constant and the pain is so intense, so is my connection with my baby girl. I feel her in a way I have gotten busy and not done for years. I did feel guilty when I first starting doing okay without constant longing. I had to realize just because she wasn't constantly in my thoughts didn't mean I loved her any less. But things ebb and flow in life and right now the memories, longing, and heartache are my constant companion. I have included here a copy of her announcement. I feel I said it well there why I felt the need to share an announcement then. The same reasoning applies as to why I'm sharing this now. I used to try to hide how I felt through some of these things. I felt like I was "looking" for sympathy. That's not my intent. But, also by sharing those who maybe have gone or are struggling with these things and find they aren't alone. I know I'm not alone, I know that those of you who read this or see me are people who love me and will support me. I know that I will bounce back from this with some time and I will be just fine. It's just hard right now.
The other thing I'm adding here is a poem that was written for me by the sister in law of one of my greatest friends and supporters through all this.
A Mother of Angels
By Julianne Heywood
There are all sorts of Mothers all over the earth
All are differnet and speical and of immeasurable worth
There are mothers of girls adn there are mothers of boys
Some that are frantic and some filled with poise
There are mothers who give birth and mothers that won't
There are mothers of twins and mothers of one
There are mothers who want more and some that are done
All mothers are special and have love in their heart
But you have been chosen for a particular part
A mother of angels the Lord has made you
Special and sacred the things you must do
A mother of angels is so strong and so good
That Father in Heaven knew that you could....
Give him your baby without knowing why
Only that God has a plan from on high
A mother of angels your hand has been dealt
Only He knows the pains that your spirit has felt
But for mothers of angels there's a treasure unseen
Little spirits are waiting perfectly clean
For the mother of angels to come home some day
And hold them in close in a mother's sweet way
But between now and then until your babies you'll see
A mother of angels you will be
God be with you till we meet again; By his counsels guide, uphold you; With his sheep securely fold you. God be with you till we meet again. Till we meet, till we meet, Till we meet at Jesus' feet, Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again; When live's perils thick confound you, Put his arms unfailing round you. God be with you till we meet again. Till we meet, till we meet, Till we meet at Jesus' feet, Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again
God be with you till we meet again; Keep love's banner floating o'er you; Smite death's threat'ning wave before you. God be with you till we meet again. Till we meet, till we meet, Till we meet at Jesus' feet, Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again.
3 comments:
So Sorry Kim ... It is a blessing to know that you will see all of your babies again and will be able to raise all of them ... I also understand your pain, I have comforted my sister many times while greiving the loss of her two little boys. I was there with her when both of them were born, and every year we take a moment to remember their simple birthdates and to dream about what fine young men they would be now... hang in there my friend and don't be afraid to shed those tears for your babies.
Oh Kim, that is so hard. I'm glad you were able to voice your feelings though and take a moment to reconnect with her. I cannot even imagine. Love you!
Yep - I cried while reading this. You are in my prayers. Just thought I would share with you about that song - God Be With You - about 3 days after my dad died we were in the temple with my mom and the organist was playing that song. My mom started to cry and said she wished they wouldn't play that song. My sister said that it was good because instead of us saying that to Dad she was sure it was him that was telling us - God Be with YOU until we meet again. Every time I hear that song now I think of that day in the Temple and how my dad was asking for the Lord to be with us - here left behind. It brings me so much peace to think of his conversation with Heavenly Father asking for all those blessings to be ours! Maybe that will help you as well! Love you Kim ;)
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