Just remember...this is my journal for me

We all deal with things in life in different ways. I learned that a long time ago. I learned when we dealt with some of our chidren dying that John and I dealt with things very differently. I don't share to get sympathy or anything like that. I write and share to deal with what I'm going through. When I talk about things I process them differently and it helps me know what to do and how to deal with things. John works out and likes to not talk about things. But this issue is primarily mine, so I will share more than he hopes I will. He's been married to me for 16 1/2 years so he should know this is inevitable.

So, about 2 weeks ago I found a lump on my left breast. It made me nervous. I won't go into all the reasons but there is breast cancer in my family, along with lumps that were benign in my family. But I felt like this wasn't good and needed to get it checked out right away. It appears my doctors agree with my "gut" feeling as they have rushed me through the process. I will be having my surgery on the day I was originally scheduled for the mamogram. But I'm jumping ahead of myself.

I have spent the last two weeks getting checked, poked, mamogrammed, ultrasounded, asperated, and proded by doctors including my surgeon. Each apt quickly rushed me into another appointment that technically wasn't available. Not one of these apts when I called did they have openings and could they get me in that quickly, but when they spoke to my dr amazingly there was time to get me in. Within 5 days of finding the lump I had an apt set with the surgeon. That was quick I tell you!!

I met with the surgeon and he went through my options with me. Not just my "what we hope will happen" but all of it. Every possible outcome. The advantages and disadvantages both emotionally and practically of each possible outcome. It was a lot to take in. He also confirmed that there was tumor in my breast not just the multiple cysts they found. He scheduled the surgery for less than a week from when I was in his office. (I said this is happening fast)

So this Wed afternoon I will go in to the hospital and have a lumpectomy. From there they hope to have the results of the biopsy by Friday but it could take up to two weeks. (I doubt my dr will let it take that long if he has anything to say about it) From there we will make the decisions of what things will happen. They will also test me for the BRCA. That test will take longer. Depending on the results of that it will also affect my decisions of what we will do.

So there is the practical information of what is going on. But the question that I keep being asked is emotionally where am I? Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say I cry a lot and am in total shock. I mean, I'm a basically healthy 36 year old woman. I'm too young for this. But the truth I am facing is whether it seems right or not, it's real and I am facing it.

I have had a couple experiences, an answer to a prayer and a blessing that both confirm that I will live through this. I don't have any doubt or fear of that. I have faced scarier when it comes to my life or the life of my children than this. I can do this. It's not easy. Some days are harder than others but it's all happened so fast that mostly I think I'm still in shock.

I have thought and prayed a lot about this over the past two weeks. I can honestly say I am completely at peace about all this. I have a peaceful calm inside me about this that can only be brought by the spirit of the Holy Ghost. But the calm peace is not that this is nothing. (Don't get me wrong, we can still hope for that). But the calm peace I feel that relaxes my fears and anxieties of all this washes over me when I think about the possibility of a dual mastesctomy. I know, it's not where you expect to find the peace, but it's where I find mine.

So, for me, what I'm asking for right now, is if people are praying for me, pray that the dr will be able to find those things that need to be found so they can make the best medical decisions for me that will bring me a longer lasting peace and health.

I also want to take a minute to say what incredible friends and family I have. Those few that I have told have just supported me so wonderfully. It was difficult to tell the kids yesterday but it was made easier by the calm peace I have and I think they felt that as I talked to each of them about it. I couldn't look to what is ahead like I can if I didn't know I had so many who would have my back. For that I am truely grateful.

I also want to say that though John is going to hate this entire post. I love him and there is no possible way I could feel the peace I do at this moment without him and the great support he has been to me. He is my rock and I love him for it.

But again with that in mind, I want to put it out there again, I have choosen to share this personal part of myself not get sympathy or anything like that. But it's just how I deal best with things.
Also, this article is one of my favorites I've read. As I was reading it with John I kept saying, "that's it! That's exactly how I feel!"

http://articles.cnn.com/2008-10-14/living/o.christina.applegate.double.mastectomy_1_christina-applegate-breast-cancer-double-mastectomy?_s=PM:LIVING

Thanks for listening and loving me!