Why I am so behind in blogging

I know many know what is going on and quite a few don't.  If you are just finding out here, it's not personal its just well, hard to go through things over and over again.  I will start with I am going to be fine.  I am not worried about whether or not I will recover.  I know I will.  I just have to wade through the crap of treatment to get there.  I will leave out a lot of the details as it's all very...well overwhelming.  But here has been my last few months.  The day after school started I went into a dermatologist to see about having this weird growth on my chest removed.  I had seen my regular dr earlier in the year.  He thought it was a keloid scar and due to it's location wouldn't touch it.  Said it should be removed by a plastic surgeon and to see a dermatologist to get that referral.  So we called the derm that he recommended and waited months and months to get in.  Anyway, that brings us to Aug when I went in.  Dr looked at it and said it looks like a keloid scar but something doesn't add up.  Let's take a sample and see.  So she cut into me and took a sample.  Though she tried to numb me I got to experience the whole thing without being numb.  Results came back as Basal Cell Carcinoma.  A type of skin cancer.  I said okay let's remove it.  She wouldn't give me real answers as to why she didn't want to do this but to do radiation and steroid injections instead.  I didn't feel good about things.  I talked to friends who either have had radiation treatments for other things or were derms themselves.  I set up an apt for another derm and while doing that also so an oncologist.  He looked at everything and felt very strongly that I should immediately start radiation treatment.  He could explain concerns and also said that though he didn't feel comfortable doing it having it removed was not out of the question but should be done by a plastic.  So we prayed, I fasted, I got a blessing and jumped into a treatment that seemed like overkill in the beginning but that felt right.  Though it is a skin cancer concern has been brought up due to location and such that it is in my breast bone.  I guess there is a very painful way to test this but felt it was better to just treat it.  Not every doctor/PA that we spoke to felt the same, but well, I tried to follow the spirit and that guided us to this treatment.  I have great faith that I will be fine.  The treatment is NOT fun!  The radioactive rays are shot at my skin in very pinpoint locations.  It is shot at the exact same spot every time.  I do this 4 times a week and will have a full 10 weeks of treatment.  Initially they talked about possibly only doing 6 weeks but as things went along they felt for various reasons that I needed the full 10 weeks. 

Radiation is much better than chemo.  I am handling things well I think.  But like any treatment there are some downsides.  I fatigue so easy.  I sleep more hours of the day/night that is reasonable.  And when I'm not sleeping I'm laying down resting.  I have learned to choose wisely the use of my limited energy and mostly it is used to take care of the needs of my kids that can only reasonably be done by myself or towards baking which brings in money to pay for the treatments.  So far we have been very blessed to be able to pay for all treatments without any debt.  I pray that that will continue till the end of the treatments.  The actual treatments are not painful but they are difficult for me.  I have to lay completely still under a mold for about 30 min while they line up the beams.  Then it's just a "short" zap  and I'm done until the next day.  It's the laying still for so long that is hard.  I have had some embarrassing experiences going through this.  Sneezing into two peoples faces was not a high light for me.  But I have survived to face them again. 

The other big issue with this course of treatment is my White Blood Count.  They have talked all along about a suppressed immune system.  But it wasn't until this last blood test that came back at a WBC of 2.1 that really freaked us out.  I now am supposed to wear a mask at all times.  I do it much more than I ever thought I would be able to but it's still not as much as I should.  Being claustrophobic this is incredibly difficult for me.  But we are hanging in there.  They hope to build my wbc quickly in 3 weeks when treatments are over.  Then my body will get to rest for a bit.  Then mid December I will go in and have the spot removed.  They will test everything again at that point to confirm that everything is gone and I'm cancer free.  I look forward to that day.  I also look forward to not wearing the mask and having enough energy to sit at the computer instead of just lay on a chair/couch/bed all day.  I will include a few things that I posted on facebook as I went through things  for your own enjoyment.

I love that I can convince my 15 year old son to do my grocery shopping while I sit in the car by telling him it's an important life skill.

Just physically and emotionally hit a wall today. We all do at times in the midst of a trial. I know this will pass. At my radiation apt I was getting set. Then sneezed a huge nothing to cover my mouth sneeze right into the face of my nurse. She freaked out a little. (Do you blame her). Dr comes out from the computer to help and I let loose with 3 more sneezes in a row on him. He took it in stride and laughed it off but I fell apart and bawled. Never did get my treatment so I get to add an extra apt on Friday to this week.

The new look I'm sporting. Does the claustrophobic me like it? No. But I am going to embrace it instead of be embarrassed about it. There is no more hiding what is going on. I will not die of cancer. But I will wear this so I won't die of pneumonia. So putting here is my attempt to face this head on. So whose thinking I should be a dr for Halloween?

"Are you a doctor?" Asked a kid at school pick up
"No, but I kind of look like one huh"
"If you aren't a doctor do you paint houses?"
"No I just need to keep germs away so I wear this."
As I walk by this kid again his friend says to him. "See she's not a Mexican so she has to recall be a doctor not a painter". To say I was speechless is an understatement!

Also theme song for us is "Radioactive".  After telling about my treatment so many times one thing I say over and over again is this treatment is good in that I am never radioactive.  At that point the song pops into my head everytime and I want to break out in song.