Samuel Lynn Nevels

Today I take a moment to remember my son Sam.  I had my heart broken 8 years ago when I went into labor at home and they could not save my son.  I had worked so hard to keep him in after his twin died, but I just couldn't do it.  It was one of those moments that I felt like a failure.  It is something that I have really struggled with.  My body is what would fail my children.  It was hard to know that I was the reason they could not live.  I have come to terms with those feelings and emotions.  I have come to realize that though it was my body that failed, it was not due to anything I did.  It was hard to let go of the guilt that I have felt over the years over this.  I share this on this my day I think of my son not for pity, but in case there is someone out there who is struggling with these same feelings of guilt.  I have been apart of several support groups over the years.  I have needed them to get through some of the feelings I have had.  One of the most important things I got from them is a reminder that those feelings that seem so consuming yet so wrong, are also so normal.  Many women struggle with these same feelings.  I know I don't put it in words the best but this is my attempt.  Maybe I do out of fear of what my children might face.  Many of the reasons my body failed me in pregnancies are genetic, which means it's a good chance that at least one of my children might have to go through some of these same things.  They need to not feel alone in their grief and struggles if they do. 

I didn't carry Sam full term, but to me when you have to labor and deliver your child it is no longer a miscarriage...a word I have come to hate.  To me once I have a child to bury it is a still born child.  I guess after so many miscarriages, I got tired of people telling me that everyone has at least one.  That is true.  But no matter how many women have them they still hurt.  And when you carry into the second term and you have the hope that much longer...it hurts even more.  And not matter how many women carry them full term and don't have a child to raise in this world it doesn't take away any of the grief and longing and heartache.  I love my children.  I love the ones I am blessed to raise here on this earth, and I love the ones that were too perfect for me.  But knowing that they already made it might bring a level of comfort over their well being, it still doesn't make me miss them any less now.  It doens't make me want them less here on earth. 

I really didn't mean for the post to be so negative.  Quite honestly I am at peace over my children not with me.  I know they are where they are supposed to be.  I know I am where I am supposed to be.  I stopped asking God why a long, long time ago.  It really didn't matter why...it only mattered that it was my cross to bear, which is a lot less than His cross he bore.

But today I celebrate the life though short that my sweet son Samuel Lynn Nevels lived.  He lived it inside me, but I felt him move, I knew he was there.  What we shared together only he and I shared and I will always treasure those movements and feelings of his spirit so near me. 

I also celebrate that this was the last child I had to bury becuase they didn't take a breath outside of me.  I can let go of that pain as I never had to feel it again.  The years have eased the pain, helped me to not hold it so close.  Helped me to move on and go about my day to day life.  There are moments when my love for one of my children hits me a little stronger...I like to think it's them giving me a hug from Heaven.  But they also know that I must move on for those who are still living here and I am grateful for the peace and comfort I have been given that have helped me to continue living.  It's not always an easy thing to do...to continue to live after one you love leaves you.  But I'm glad God gave me the strength and I had the courage to do so.