a blessing...my thoughts

Dec 20, 2011
I just wanted to take a minute to write down my thoughts after my blessing tonight. It was a tough one. I feel like I am going to need to remember those words that were said to me for many months. It seemed to say as much in the blessing. It's only been a few hours and already it seems to be slipping from my memory. My body was blessed that it would come through the surgery tomorrow well. That i would have the health to do the surgery tomorrow. But then the blessing went on to bless me with the ability to let others serve me, that this trial I will be going through for the next bit will be to benefit others as much as myself. That I will be a stronger woman for having had such peace and strength as I go through this trial this way. I was blessed that I would emotionally be able to face whatever choices are before me. I was blessed to be able to physically have the strength in my body to do what needs to be done over the coming months. I know there was more but that is what has stood out to me hours later. I was blessed that our family would lovingly accept the service we would need to recieve. I was told I had choosen this before I came to earth.

I was crying by the end of the blessing, I think Bro Nichols was close to it too. It seemed to be a blessing of premonition. To prepare us for the eventuality that we will be facing. I think it was not what he was expecting to be a part of tonight. For me it brought comfort that we are on the right track, we are doing what we are supposed to. My doctors are doing what they are supposed to and all that will preserve my life…but not necessarily that this will be “nothing”. I don’t feel like it is. I’m not alone in that thought and feeling.

At dinner afterwards John and I talked. Some of his fears of this is what he will do tomorrow if during the surgery the dr comes to him and says it’s worse than we thought, we are going to do a mastectomy right now. How I will react to waking up missing a part of me and knowing that he gave the okay to do it. I reassured him that I will let the dr know prior that I am at peace with a dual mastectomy. I have comfort in knowing it’s the right thing for me. When I feel ancy over it I come back to the thoughts of a dual mastectomy and a peace and calm completely wash through my body. I know it’s the holy ghost telling me that this is good and okay for me. I can handle it and I am prepared for it. So if come tomorrow I come out of this surgery with less than I thought I was going to, I will be okay with that. I know it’s what is the best for me. I love God and am grateful for the opportunity to have this strength going into this surgery. Mostly I just really want Friday to come so we can have the biopsy results and have what I feel to be the case medically confirmed. It’s easier to tell people, “I have cancer” than “I feel like I have cancer I’m just waiting for the dr to tell me”. I’m not trying to be a negative Nellie. But it just doesn’t sit right when I think about finding out I don’t. I honestly don’t know what I will do if they say that. It will be so much more of a shock than if they confirm what I feel to be the truth. I just want a dr to say it, so I can get on with facing and conquering it.

I love my kids and my family. I love John with my whole heart. I can’t imagine my life without them, or theirs without me. Which is why I won’t accept anything that doesn’t keep me around for a long time with them. We need each other. I want to be there for them and I feel like I will be granted that blessing. I love the gospel and the peace and knowledge it brings to me. Without the comfort of the Holy Ghost I would not be going into this surgery tomorrow and possible diagnosis the same way. I put my life and trust in Gods hands. I know he will take care of me and my family.
Love,
me

Dec 28, 2011
So I wrote the above the night before my surgery. I wanted to write it, my blog is really my only journal, but I really wasn't sure I wanted to actually share my thoughts and feelings publically. Now that we have the results. I am in total shock. It's not what I thought. I don't know what to think. I am more relieved than words can express. But I feel like I'm just waiting for the "what's next" to happen. I hate feeling that way. I want to just be so happy that this was nothing and move on with my life. I want to just feel stupid for making such a big deal over nothing. (Like so many people said it would be). I WANT them all to be right. But even with the call from the dr office saying it was benign, I can't help feeling something is missing. I'm missing some big puzzle piece that will explain such a powerful blessing. And when it comes right down to it, I REALLY do NOT want to figure out that puzzle piece. I just want to move on and feel like an idiot and pray that there is nothing to prove these feelings right. But I was also told in the blessing prior to that one to follow the holy ghost and the promptings it gives me. And I feel so deep inside that I'm being told to prepare for a very emotional road ahead with my body. I really don't want to listen!

So now I'm stuck again, to post or not to post? Kind of putting my heart, my testimony, myself out there for the world to see with all this post and I just don't know if I'm up for that. But I'll follow what I feel and post because I feel like I'm supposed to.

So all I ask is if you think I'm crazy, or negative, or just a whiner...don't tell me :) Just move on and think, she'll be normal again soon! Becuase whatever happens or doesn't happen, I'm moving on...tomorrow. Tonight, I'll eat some m and m's in popcorn and drink a soda and read a good chick flick crying book. Cause that's what a girl needs sometimes, a moment to escape her own thoughts and get lost in someone elses world.